Waiting for Covid
with a deep bow of gratitude and acknowledgment to Samuel Beckett
CAST OF CHARACTERS AMBI, a person VALE, a person
A blank place. Could be anywhere. Two people, AMBI and VALE, sit six feet apart and do nothing. They wear masks around their necks. There is no indication of what their story is or why they’re there. They’re just…there. And we begin.
AMBI: Where does it come from? VALE: I don’t know. Do you? AMBI: No. That’s why I asked you. VALE: Asked me what? AMBI: Where does it come from? VALE: Where does what come from? AMBI: Covid. VALE: Covid? Oh. No idea. AMBI: Oh,
Silence.
AMBI: Do I have it? VALE: No.
Silence.
AMBI: How about now? VALE: No.
Silence.
AMBI: Do I have it now? VALE: I don’t know! AMBI sighs.
Silence.
AMBI: You can get it from Chinese food.
VALE: Really? AMBI: That’s what I heard. VALE: Oh.
Short pause.
AMBI: You can get it from wet bats. VALE: What? AMBI: Yeah, I really heard that! VALE: Come on. AMBI: Seriously! VALE: Shut up!
Silence.
AMBI: Why are we here again? VALE: We’re waiting for Covid. AMBI: Oh, right.
Short pause.
AMBI: Is that him? VALE: Who? AMBI: Covid! VALE: No. AMBI: Oh.
Silence.
AMBI: Is it a he or an it? VALE: How should I know? AMBI: I was just hoping you’d know. VALE: Nobody knows.
Silence.
AMBI: Am I positive? VALE: Positive about what? AMBI: Covid. VALE: Covid? AMBI: Yes, Covid. Am I positive? VALE: Negative.
Waiting for Covid last updated 5/20/20 2
AMBI: Negative I’m positive? VALE: Negative I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. AMBI: You’re not? VALE: No, you idiot! AMBI: Oh. VALE: And stop moving so close to me when you talk! AMBI: Sorry.
Silence.
AMBI: Uh-oh, Covid! VALE: Is he here? AMBI: I don’t know. VALE: Why did you say uh-oh? AMBI: He might be here. You can’t see him. VALE: True. So is he here? AMBI: I don’t know. VALE: Me neither.
Silence.
AMBI: Let’s just leave. VALE: We can’t. AMBI: Why not? VALE: We’re waiting for Covid. AMBI: Oh.
Silence.
AMBI: Isn’t there somewhere else we can go? VALE: Nope. AMBI: Why not? VALE: Covid’s everywhere. AMBI: But we can’t see him? VALE: Right. AMBI: I don’t like this. VALE: You don’t have to.
Silence.
AMBI: I’m hungry. VALE: Have some of my carrot.
AMBI: Is that all we have? VALE: It’s a pandemic. AMBI: A what? VALE: A pandemic! AMBI: I didn’t know we had a pan! VALE: We don’t. AMBI: What? VALE: We don’t have a pan. AMBI: Why did you say we did? VALE: I didn’t. AMBI: Oh.
Silence.
AMBI: So when is the Covid coming for us? VALE: I don’t know. AMBI: Me neither.
Silence. AMBI eats the carrot.
AMBI: Is he here yet? VALE: No. AMBI: I thought I heard something. VALE: It’s just your stomach rumbling. Finish your carrot. AMBI: I’m still hungry. VALE: Can you just shut up for a minute? AMBI: But I’m so anxious. VALE: Why? AMBI: Because–Covid. VALE: Of course.
Silence.
AMBI: Let’s just leave. VALE: We can’t. AMBI: Why not? VALE: We’re waiting for Covid. AMBI: Oh.
Silence.
AMBI: Can I get a test?
VALE: Sure. AMBI: When? VALE: I don’t know. AMBI: But I want to know. VALE: Well you can’t. AMBI: I can’t? VALE: I don’t know!
Short Pause.
AMBI: Where can I get a test? VALE: I don’t know. AMBI: Is there a test? VALE: Yes. There are two. AMBI: Two? VALE: Yes. One for if you’re sick and one for antibodies. AMBI: Oh I don’t need the second one. I’m very pro body.. VALE: No, you idiot, one to see if you’re sick and one to see if you WERE sick. AMBI: But i can’t get them right now? VALE: Agh! You’re giving me a headache. AMBI: Oh my god you have COVID! VALE: No I don’t. AMBI: You might. VALE: I don’t. AMBI: You don’t know. Get a test. VALE: We’ve been over this. We can’t get a test. AMBI: Why? VALE: Would you shut up!
Silence.
AMBI: They say we can spray it away. VALE: Spray it? AMBI: With something in a can for killing living things. VALE: That sounds painful. AMBI: I think it would work. VALE: I think you’d be dead.
Short Pause.
AMBI: Let’s just wait for Covid and ask him. When is he coming? VALE: I don’t know.
AMBI: Me neither.
Short Pause.
AMBI: Do we really want to meet Covid? VALE: Not really. AMBI: He might not be very nice. VALE: Yeah, but we have to wait. AMBI: Why? VALE: There’s nothing else to do. AMBI: Oh.
Short Pause.
AMBI: I’m still hungry. Can we cook something in your pandemic?
FIN

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